I Should Have Said
by Kazima Kuwabara
Summary: REVISED Harry isn't the only one who suffered...I never told him what happened to me, and I didn't want anyone to know! No one needed to know...and then Fred and George found out...I wasn't sure if I could face my brothers after they knew...about...it.


set during the order of the phoenix, kind of a Ron pov thing...as always I own nothing.

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RON POV

I didn't tell them. I'm nineteen years old and I still hadn't told them, or showed them. Even though I knew they couldn't see it, I was so terrified one day they would.. One day they would see what was done to me. Fred and George had taught me a spell to hide it, and even given me some new invention of theirs that would...heal it. They were the only ones who knew, and I didn't even want them to know! They found out by mistake. When that toad-Umbridge-was our, "teacher," Harry wasn't the only one getting tortured with that pen.

" I will not tell Lies."

That is what she made Harry write with his own blood.

But I had to write something different, and it appeared in a different spot. When ever I had free time, when ever Harry and Hermione wouldn't see me, which was only about fifteen minutes every day, Umbridge would come to me and I would use the same pen. But instead of my hand, the words she made me write appeared on my chest, just over my heart. It was terrifying...when Dumbledore disappeared-that's when it started for me.

The writing, that is.

Sometimes I would remove the spell just to look at my chest and see what it said. It hurt, every stroke of my pen hurt when I had to write it, but not in a normal way. It...bruised my soul. That is the only way I can describe it. It hurt my soul because of what she made me write. There had not been a day gone bye, that I hadn't thought of this mark, Umbridge, the writing, and the meaning. It was so...it messed with-no it still messes with my head, I couldn't even think strait if I thought about for more then ten minutes.

"I will not be Harry Potter's best friend."

I had to write that for fifteen minutes...every day until Umbridge was gone.

Would you believe when Fred and George finally found out, they created the swamp at Hogwarts three days later? It drives me mad thinking of it, I didn't want anyone to know! It was late at night when I came back to the dormitories. Fred and George were sitting up creating heavens knows what, when they saw me. My shirt was undone because the cloth always irritated the words on my skin. Fred turned smiled, and waved, but he stopped in mid wave. The firelight revealed the blood, making it shimmer in a strange way. I remember Fred leaping up and jumping over the couch, I tried to run but he grabbed me around the waist.

"Bloody hell Fred, what are you doing attacking Ron!" George whispered rushing over as I struggled. I struggled a little too much and the blood splashed on George's clothes, and he knew too. George grabbed my shoulders and stared st my chest.

"I...will not...be Harry Potter's best...friend? Why the hell would you do this to yourself!" George demanded shaking me. "I didn't!" I cried in my defense, I wanted nothing more then to be let go, and retreat to my room. "Yes you did!" George snapped all the while Fred's grip gripping me much too hard. "I didn't!" I hissed savagely, "Umbri-" I stopped myself and froze. Fred's grip relaxed, and George released my shoulders. My brother's grew quiet and then Fred turned me around, "How long Ron?" I pushed him off but Fred grabbed my face, "How long Ron, you tell me! What has that fucXing biXch been doing to you?"

I'm disgusted to say I blacked out, and next when I opened my eyes I was on the couch my head resting on Fred's lap as George rubbed something on my chest which made my skin tingle and feel better. "What is that?" I whispered. "We haven't decided what to call it yet..." George answered blandly, "We made it for kids when they play a little too rough and hurt themselves or others. This will stop the pain and make the injury scab over so that they'll get in less trouble with their parents." I looked up at Fred after George had finished talking, I had never seen such a serious expressions on wither of their faces before.

No I take that back, when they thought Ginny was dead, when Harry met Tom Riddle, they wore the same expression.

"That toad...how long has she been doing this?" George asked hands on my chest still watching as the injuries scabbed over. "I...I can't remember," I said truthfully. And I couldn't. It was all bleary, and I had more things to worry about then that woman. Dumbledore's leaving...Harry in danger...and Hermione in danger! Too much to worry about. George sighed, and lifted me up hugging me. "Ron...we're going to give you this new invention of ours, and we'll teach you a spell to hide your cuts...but don't let her do this to you anymore...you've got to say something" Fred hugged both of us whispering in my ear, "We'll kill her Ron...We'll kill her." I felt sick and tired, I begged them asking that they not say a word to anybody. When they finally promised and I fell asleep as they held me.

The next day is was in the hospital wing. I couldn't remember everything, but Fred and George had carried me down stairs after a conked out. They bumped into Snape and they told him some lie, and Snape himself carried me to the hospital wing. I was surprised, and I have to admit a smile tugs on my face every time I think of him, Severous Snape, carrying ME up ths stairs. It's almost laughable. During lunch, Fred and George came to see me. They brought Ginny as well, and a letter had come from my parents. Ginny really thought something was wrong with me because I just couldn't think strait, and kept sputtering when I talked. Harry came late at night with the invisibility cloak with Hermione. I pretended to be asleep because I was afraid of how I would react to them, how I could spill my secret right then and there if I saw Hermione's sad eyes. The next day I went to class, and gave no explanation to anyone that asked. Hermione hugged me half crying, and Harry pat my shoulder and stuck close with me the rest of the day.

And now...at the age of nineteen I still remember the words on my chest, and what happened...how...how everyone knows my secret now! Everyone knows what's on my chest...I couldn't hide it for ever, but God I tried so hard!

Everything seems like a dream almost. Harry defeated Voldermort. Voldermort almost killed Harry, but Peter Pettigrew finally did something right and sacrificed himself for Harry. I thank him for that, and forgive him for pretending to be my pet Scabbers. The battle was rough...and there were losses, many, many losses. Voldermort Killed Luna Lovegood, and Neville Longbottom. They died in each others arms. I think...they were in love. But it was beyond that, they had the same lonely soul I guess. Draco was killed by his own father, Draco didn't want to kill anyone...and he joined our side. When his dad found out, her hunted Draco down and killed him, weeks later we found Snape's body, but I don't know what killed him. Hagrid...died for me. Died for me...

There were many losses, but those where the only people I really knew that died.

There were many injuries too, oh there were tons. Too many to name them all...currently I am in a bed, all by myself. I here doctors and nurses whispering how they're having a hard time keeping me stable. They think I'm asleep but I'm not, I'm awake. I just...I'm too ashamed to open my eyes and look my family in the eyes. My secret got out during the final showdown with Voldermort. And I...I'll never forget that moment.

Voldermort caught a hold of me, and tortured me with some spells for two months, and when Harry showed up to save me as he always does that's when Voldermort was about to reveal my secret. The scar on my chest, he'd seen it...he'd seen every inch of my body. That sounds wrong, but I wasn't touched...in that way. Just beaten severely. I couldn't bare the thought of Harry seeing it, and grabbed Voldermort's knife and slashed at my own chest. I remember Hermione screaming shrilly and I remember losing it, with the help of Voldermort. He waved his wand and the next thing I know I'm stabbing my self in my legs, I'm slashing open my arms and trying to slit my own throat. It was Hagrid who came up and punched me in the back of the head knocking me out. That was how Hagrid die. Voldermort turned and shouted, "AVADA KADAVA!"

Or so they tell me.

Harry killed Voldermort within the hour, flying into a blind rage after I "died." I had almost died, but I had woken to see Harry finally defeat Voldermort. I was so happy...happier that Harry didn't know...well not everything. He knew that the first few slashes I did were of my own free will. He came over to me, his eyes wide, and face white then mine, and I was the one bleeding out. He pulled me close whispering, "What was on your chest Ron?" My own eyes widened.

He hadn't seen the scar but I felt that he knew...He knew! I know he did. I opened my mouth, but instead of words tears came, and a sob burst from my lip. "Oh Harry...I'm a monster!" I had sobbed, Harry starting to cry. People were running over, but I had passed out long before I could see who was coming. I woke in the hospital a bit later, but I Stayed still. Everything was ruined, how could I face my friends now?

How could I face Harry?

I can still hear people on the streets celebrating. By now Harry, Hermione, Ginny...everyone knows about the scar I tried to erase it by slashing at my own chest. I know Mum knows, and if she knows that means she told Dad, and Dad would have told Bill and Charlie, and out of respect for Harry, they would have told him, and some how Hermione would have found out, followed by Ginny...and I'm sure half the bloody world knows.

Harry is at my side now, dozing. I'm still terribly injured. My wounds are not healing fast, some sort of curse on the knife or something like that. So...I've been thinking as I lay here...when I should tell Harry. I want to tell him what happened to me with my own words, I want it to be mine and not my brothers' words. Not Fred's or George's, MINE.

I should tell him...

I should open my eyes..

But all these thoughts...

I have never been this serious in my life...

How can I tell him?

I don't want to...

I don't want...

I don't...

END OF RON POV

Harry was awoken by someone shaking him, and when his eyes came into focus he spotted Ron's dark blue eyes. Ron was staring at him, his face wet with tears. "Harry..." Ron's voice cracked, "I need to te-tell you somthin'...I have to..." Ron touched his chest and Harry who had not shed a tear since the battle burst into sobs muttering, "I know Ron..I know...Oh Ron it wouldn't have mattered to me! What the Toad made you write did not matter!"

"But it mattered to me!" Ron half shouted pulling at his hair, "It mattered...Harry let me tell you...let me tell you what I've been thinking...please listen." Harry nodded choking on his tears, and listened as Ron spoke about everything he thought of as he lay in the bed. And when several hours passed, and Ron's family came in to find Ron and Harry laughing and talking, Harry teaching Ron a card game of the muggle world, there were many tears of joy.

There was laughter when Ginny burst out crying and started calling her brother names.

There were many hugs, and presents, and kisses.

Whistles and cheers filled the air, as Hermione flung her arms around Ron and gave him a kiss.

But even though things had been made right again, nothing made Ron happier then when he saw the scar on his chest. He had done what he wanted, through his slashing he had crossed out the words on his chest that were so hateful and so wrong to him. To Ron he had been reborn, and the sin that was not his had been erased. He was so happy. Happy that it was gone, and happy that he'd done it.

Happy that he had told Harry what he should have said years ago.

"Harry you're my best mate."

end

yeah yeah yeah, flame me if you want. pff.


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